MP = Many Perks

I'm going to be an MP
it's the perfect job for me
except filling lots of forms
isn't really my cup of tea

So I need a secretary
with proficient typing skills
to type important letters
and they'll have those forms to fill.

I used to write to santa
but that's only once a year
as a UK politician
such restriction's not a fear.

My busy secretary
will be typing all year through
with my claims for my expenses
they'll have lots & lots to do.

It is hard to be an MP
there's all that sitting for a start
so I'll need some silky cushions
for my bum to feel the part.

As I am a girl I can safely
claim for tampons and a dress
cos if blokes can get these paid for
then so can I, I guess.

I want lots of brand new furniture
a huge widescreen tv
so I can record PM's question time
and glimpse a sight of me.

I'll be needing chandeliers of course
and damp proofing for the holiday home
and it surely can't be argued
I won't need 24 carat garden gnomes?

Then I'll need 24 hour security
to guard my golden gnomes
for I feel a bit insecure
they might get nicked from my second home.

Then I'll need an annexe built
to house the security staff
which will need to be furnished
properly,
not with tat don't make me laugh.

My security guard is three hundred thousand quid
I won't consider any other
there are cheaper firms
but who can you trust more
to guard you than your mother?

OK she's 75 and getting on a bit
but with the carer we've been claiming for
she can handle it.

There is much more but I need a rest
and it's obvious to see
why I'm sending in this claim
and why I need a secretary.

I'm so pleased to be an MP
thanks to all for their kind votes
Oh that reminds me I have to claim
for a hundred gravy boats.

(Trains are so last week ;) )

... to be continued... ;)