Poetry to make you smile and maybe laugh

It's on the original post here Halfway round the Bend

I've now also added an audio file to The Folk Singer's Bum I did this one using the deeper voice setting on garage band - it makes me sound like a man!

It's getting warm in Britain so please try and take care
it's time to put your feet on ice and freeze your underwear.
You can't leave your windows open or the burglars might get in.
You can't go out to feel the breeze in case you burn your skin.

Be careful with your children the sun will fry them crispy
their eyes will boil in their sockets and their hair will go all wispy.
But the wonderful GOVERNMENT will save you, you need have no fear
they've done their research and found out this happens every year!

They've put together helpful hints to help you to survive
Thank GOD and bless them for it else how could you stay alive?
For staying in the shade and drinking lots to rehydrate
are ideas so fiendishly clever you'd need brains like William Gates.

So sing and dance but not too much because you'll get too hot
and praise the heaven that sent it for the government you've got.

Thoughts on publishing poetry.

The thought that poetry might not sell,
bothers me not one jot,
because it ain't for money
that I write poems such a lot.

I do it 'cos it's tons of fun
to sit me down and try
to put in words the many things
that make me laugh and cry.

Sometimes something terrible
bubbles up in me
and I make it into a spell of sorts
and call it poetry.

I send it out on the ether
and hope somehow it finds
a way to do what I intend
and change some hearts and minds.

Should it only reach one person's thoughts
and change their point of view
then that's worth more than money to me
and hopefully worth more to them too.

See you later alligator!

It was kind of quiet Thursday night
at our local bar
when a guy walked in with a glint in his eye
carrying an alligatarr. (sic)

Now he and this green behemoth
were obviously friends of old
they wrestled about for a time
but that guy was still very bold.

He whacked the 'gator on the head
and laid it on the bar
that 'gator opened his mouth real wide
like at the dentist to say "Ah!"

Now that mouth was filled with gleaming teeth
sharp and very long,
despite that the guy opens his fly
and inserts his 'not so long'

The guy wild eyed and crazy like
looked sweaty, hot and red
cried out " Who in here thinks they can do this shit?"
Says I " Me but don't hit me on the head."

Just wrote this poem after hearing this rude joke for the first time. It was calling to be immortalised in rhyme. Hope you find it funny. It was meant to be western in style. I imagined a grizzled old cow-poke spitting tobacco and recounting this in a slow Texan drawl. Updated to add: After a discussion I have come to the conclusion that this poem is at its very best read out in an Australian accent a la Crocodile Dundee. If anyone knows Alf Stewart/Ray Meagher from Home and Away - he would be my dream reader for this poem. Or maybe Kylie Minogue or Dame Edna

There's bad news and there's good news.

I hate you! I really really hate you!

I say it all the time,

you drive me mad,

bloody Dad.

Is it such a crime

To leave my bedroom in a tip

and make my mother cry?

You don't try to understand me

you just roll your eyes and sigh.

You make me eat, and make me wash

you're such a control freak

but I'll have the last laugh on you both

I'm moving out next week.

Kiss FM Kefalonia Radio - http://www.argostolifm.gr/index.asp# - 10PM UK time - my son will be playing acoustic guitar and singing live between tracks and they will be playing some of his studio recorded stuff from his album as well.

He will be there for the full three hours of the program.

Two DJ's heard him busking and asked him to take part in the program!!

So this could be the beginning (well it began ages ago but you know what I mean) of something!

If you have a moment to listen - you may well enjoy yourself - he is good. I should know I'm his mother.

Unlike most mothers I'm very fussy about music and if he wasn't up to scratch I would be being very quiet about this so he could flounder in obscurity.

BUT HE"S BLOODY BRILLIANT!!!!!

So I don't mind shouting about it

Inspired by a story about 4 year old Daniel Blair who flushed his week old cocker spaniel down the loo in a misguided attempt to wash him

Daniel looked at puppy what was he to do?
Puppy was so muddy he looked like a piece of poo.
Which gave him the idea of washing puppy in the loo.

He put the grubby puppy in the bowl of the bog
then pulled the toilet flush meaning to sluice the little dog
but puppy flushed away just like a toilet log.

Mummy wasn't happy at what her boy had done
puppy wasn't happy, he wasn't having fun
who could save the puppy's life? Turns out there was only one.

Now flushing puppy down the loo is something rather odd
that puppy didn't drown and die was a miracle from God
and also thanks to the clever men who work for Dyno-Rod

One would like to say
One thanks you for your poem.
One likes to read
when one's at home.

One recites it to
Oneself when on one's throne
One now requests
leave one alone.

PS - not that throne - the other one

I thought you might like to hear this poem I didn't receive from Her Majesty the Queen when I didn't write to her.

Don't be afraid EarthWormJimmy
that Giant is stuck in the tin
The canning man used his powers
to safely trap him in.

But the Giant's evil henchman
hatched a plan with glee
to fool folk the tin just holds corn
so they'll open it and set him free.

Among the millions of tins of corn
there's one that holds our foe
will it be the tin that you open for your tea?
There's only one way to know.

Charity begins at home.

A charity fund raiser thought it would be great
if she could get the richest lawyer in town to donate.

So she called him on the phone to ask if he'd be so kind
as to give some money to the needy and blind?

The lawyer thought and then replied
'my sister's husband recently died
and left her with three children to support,
and further more I think you ought
to consider my mother who's very ill
and has a humungous medical bill
and I'll mention my brother as well to be fair
who's paraplegic and in a wheelchair.'

The fund raiser felt dreadful to have made that call
she didn't know what to say at all,
while she ummed and ahhed for a moment or two
the lawyer said
'If I don't give them money, why should I give any to you?'

I went on a demo in the 80's
I was young and green and wet,
Shouted "Maggie, Maggie, Maggie
Out, Out,Out!"
She's still not out as a lesbian yet!

How to get millions of readers for your book.

If you want your book to be read quite a lot
you'd be well-advised to become polyglot
and sell by the millions in relative ease
by prudently learning to write in Chinese.

But ensure you've the 'right' Chinese before you begin,
the one that you ought to learn is Mandarin.
I may be facetious and well you might laugh
but m.chinese is more popular than english x 21/2 !

Come in number 69 your time is up!

He didn't know what 69 was when he'd heard it mentioned
but he couldn't ask his wife she would find it ill-intentioned
so he engaged the services of his friendly local hooker
her price was right and in dim light she was almost a looker.

"69 love - okay, that'll be twenty quid" said the lady clear and bright
she was suffering sadly from wind having had curry that night.
She stuffed the money into her handbag and stripped off with practised art
then got into position, letting loose a stifled fart.

The odour caught our hero, right smack in the nose,
who with a movement spry and a strangled cry
said "I don't want another 68 of those!"

Inspired by an old joke from my younger days. I wrote it this morning. I think this joke was from a Student Rag Mag!

Oh dear.

Woke up this morning and my mojo was gone
(and that made my eyes water)

I know I had it yesterday though even then it had gone wrong,
(I was wrong to do it wrong)

It was getting kind of thin and pale and obviously ignored
(like any mojo would if you don't treat it good)

I suppose I should have paid it mind when it lay right down and snored.
(That's always a defcom 2 situation)

But I was at the Apple Mac staring at my Google chrome
(Apple iMac - so sexy who could resist its silvery techiness?)

enjoying the Authonomites laughing at my pomes,
(I have to make the most of it while it lasts)

that darn writers' forum's been getting all of my attention
( can you say addictive personality?)

so my mojo upped and ran away - that mother of invention.
(I should have taken more care of it, and now it's too late)

So I just sit and cry and howl all through the day
( I do too, the neighbours are starting to hold 'meetings' )

cos I treated it wrong
though I knew all along
without my mojo
I've nothing to say.
(Competely out of words...
not a thing to say...
completely silent...
as the grave....
mute like a swan...
I've got nothing left

Mojo? Mojo ?

COME BACK TO ME MOJO
- I"LL CHANGE I PROMISE!!!!! )

Hello Mr Minister we've got a deal to do
it's a way to help the country
and a fair old whack for you
and we don't mind admitting
that we'll make a quid or two.
We've overstocked on tablets by a ton or two
let's off load em on the country
but the plan depends on you
Sit down and have a drink
and I'll tell you what we''ll do.

Blood pressure is a terrible thing,
scourge of the modern man
who can save you from an exploding head?
The caring government can.
We insist you take these tablets and
shove them down your neck,
it's for the best you won't have to rest
and you won't be a nervous wreck.

See we push em as a saving grace,
and also make it illegal
for over fifties not to take to take em,
even the monarch so regal.
We'll rake it in and even better
it helps you stay in power,
cause these tablets won't just
keep their pressure down
but tranquilize the entire shower.

The UK will once again
be a green and pleasant land
with the UK sheep walking fast asleep
and grazing right out of your hand.