Poetry to make you smile and maybe laugh

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Soaked Fascinator.
Lyrics:

Wedding feast buffet style
I chat and slink and have a drink
and wear a smile
Looking good looking hot
it's nice to get out now and then
show what I've got.

People to meet and people to schmooze
you have to socialise or looose
but nature calls
at times you don't choose.

No please don't ask
its a soaked fascinator
soaked fascinator
soaked fascinator

I leaned over to flush as I always do
big mistake
My fascinator came off and fell down the loo
For goodness sake.

Fish it out rinse it too
hope against hope
that it won't smell of poo.
A minute or so beneath the drier
not too long it might get too hot
and then catch fire.

These things occur one mustn't get bitter
my fascinator's still a glitter
nobody knows
but my friends on Twitter

No please don't ask
its a soaked fascinator
soaked fascinator
soaked fascinator

I first blogged this song about a month ago for #music monday on Twitter but I wasn't happy with the result because I had been 'persuaded' to use a headphones and stand alone microphone and then be 'produced' and frankly digitally fiddled about with. Which isn't as much fun as it sounds like it might be.

I got round to just recording this straight onto Garageband by singing along to the backing track in one go and with no post production.

It is so much easier to sing without headphones on and now you can hear me singing this song the way I thought it should have sounded the first time. Here for completeness sake is the first unsatisfactory version only listen to it now if you like listening to slightly out of tune singers - http://poetry4fun.blog.co.uk/2009/08/12/smooth-operator-or-what-6706436/

NB. A fascinator is a little head decoration worn instead of a hat at weddings and formal occasions.

Was World War II Caused by PMT?

Might Hitler have been a woman?
Is that really so mad?
It could explain the moodies
reportedly 'he' had?

Perhaps they got it wrong
when calling out 'Heil' daily?
That's why 'he' got so bitter
'cos 'he' wished they'd call out 'Hailey?'

They've done tests on the skull
thought Hitler's for many years
and it turns out it's a woman's
so Hitler lives is now a fear.

And it is a stretch to imagine
Adolf born in female form
but it might explain the lovely taste
'he' had in uniforms!

Fresh doubts over Hitler's death after tests on bullet hole skull reveal it belonged to a woman
Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/worldnews/article-1216455/Fresh-doubts-Hitlers-death-tests-skull-reveal-womans.html

Poem for International Talk Like a Pirate Day

I once was touched by a noodly appendage
I don't talk of it much
but it changed my life in many ways
with it's Pastafarian touch.

I learned to say "Argh!" and "Shiver me timbers!"
they seemed to come naturally
and I yearned to have a wooden leg
and sail upon the sea.

I have no cutlass or wooden leg
but the sea is always near
I restrict my desire to "Aargh!" a lot
to just one day a year.

Soon that day will arrive
and I'll do things in piratey ways
September the 19th Me Mateys
International Talk Like a Pirate Day!

AAAAARRRRRGHHHHH!!!

Here's a useful website I check with every day - not having a wonderful memory - I find it helps me keep track of the most fun day of the year: http://isittalklikeapirateday.com/

The Groom's Speech.

You turned up to my wedding
with everything on show,
put people off the wedding feast
and we'd purchased Sturgeon's Roe!

All that wobbling fleshy stuff,
the bride is most dis-cheered,
eclipsed by a vision of nakedness
that left our eyeballs seared!

Frilly satin peep-show clothes,
here's some plain talking folks:
I do not care for what you wear,
it's not a good look on blokes!

Inspired by a comment on the Daily Mail about a story regarding Princess Michael of Kent's rather flamboyant choice of attire as Mother of the Groom and the reported eclipsing of the lovely bride - Sophie Winkleman now Mrs Freddie Windsor.

But what about MEN? Why is it always women being discussed on articles like this? - Sophie, London, UK

Until Sophie's comment I had to admit it hadn't occurred to me that men might turn up at weddings in low-cut frilly dresses or worse - which was extremely sexist of me. But then I did consider it and a poem was born.

Here's the link to the article in the mail:
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1213517/JAN-MOIR-At-age-woman-cover-Its-Princess-Push-Up-thrusting-forward-question-.html

Here's How!

I don't want to write a book very fast
I want to write it well
I want to write something that's lots of fun
Not crank out something to sell.

I don't want to write something with loads of sex
zombies and vampires and shopping.
I want to write poems that make people laugh
and turn pages without stopping.

I can't face writing articles
to tell you enough's enough.
If that means my profile isn't high
frankly I don't give a stuff.

So I'll just keep on keeping on
doing what I like best
hoping I make some friends on the way
and say *bollocks* to all the rest.

That last verse needs some work - I'll get back to that when I can see 'how to' improve it

Muscle fever!

I must go down to the sea again
to the lonely sea & the sky
I kayaked for 5 hours
now be kind and
let me die!

with apologies to John Masefield and Spike Milligan.

I enjoyed myself too much and now to quote Marvin the Paranoid Android:

Ow, ow, ow, ow,ow, ow, ow.

I bless the inventor of paracetemol.

Serving suggestions.

It's yellow and sweet and full of good cheer
you can stick it in your gob or poke it in your ear
you can mash it for a cake
or slap it 'tween some bread
or if you're really strange you could
cuddle it in bed.

The Spanish love it any time especially Mañana
it is of course that super fruit - the wonderful banana

I hope this isn't a metaphor for life!

So many leaves
flamboyant green
casting shadows
on the cool brown earth.

Deep under the surface
what treasures lurk?
How productive this
life force must be.

How sad to see
the once green leaves
wither on the vine.
But I am comforted to
expect the reward
which must be mined.

Scrabbling through the dirt
in the depths at last
to find what is left
by the time gone past.

I sifted every ounce
of that soil to see
all that had been birthed
a spud smaller than a pea!

Just one pea-sized tuber
at my fingertips!
We'll be having it for tea tonight
I'm making micro chips.

Wee Wee Monsieur!

Paris is known for its cuisine
and its waiters are known for their chill
so we stepped off the plane at Charles De Gaulle
ready to eat our fill.

We were geared up to try escargots
even frogs legs braised in dill
but our appetites fled when we saw
near the loos
a cafe called Piz n Grill !

This cafe really was next to the loos on our first visit to Paris.
It wasn't there on our next
Pity as we had our cameras ready the second time. LOL